Today In Nyack: April 1, 2010
April 1: Nyack Independence Day
by Chuck Wagon
Nyack April 1 — Citing a disparity between taxes collected and revenues received from Orangetown, New York, Nyack’s mayor has declared independence and ceded from the Town of Orangetown. In an unexpected move, the mayor has annexed the adjacent villages of Upper Nyack and South Nyack and declared martial law to protect the new Republic of Nyack.
‘€œIt’s time to end taxation without representation,’€ says Mayor Richard Cabbage. ‘€œWe’re not going to take it,’€ he said, adding ‘€œwe won’t get fooled again!’€ In addition to the expanding its borders, Cabbage has formed a monarchy and will take the title of “King Cabbage.”
Confusion reigned at the borders of the new republic as uniformed troops manned checkpoints. The situation was further complicated because Nyack has been patrolled by Orangetown Police since disbanding its own department 20 years ago. To fill in the breach, Cabbage mustered out Boy Scout Troop 227 whose presence served to both steady nerves and also sell microwave-ready popcorn treats for the BSA’s upcoming Spring fundraiser.
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Steve Knowlton says:
I’m sending this from my iPhone which I hid in my shoe. The ‘€œformer’€ trustees of the Village are being held in the basement of Village Hall and are being forced by King Cabbage to look through archived municipal records for proof that Nyack was also in reality a monarchy during the late 1990′s.
If anyone gets this message, please free us!
Jan Degenshein says:
Free you Comrade Knowlton? Hardly! You are clearly an enemy of the State!
The next step is to march on the Duchy of Grand View on Hudson. And then Piermont. Shortly thereafter, with its amassed intellectual capital, the ‘€œnew Republic’€ can declare war on the United States, surrender before a shot is fired, and benefit from millions of dollars of aid intended to bring Nyack into the fold of international capitalism.
Timothy Englert says:
I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Great job!!!!
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Richard Kavesh says:
By imperial decree, the village formerly known as Nyack is now officially incorporated as ‘€œthe Democratic People’s Republic of Nyack.’€ Too long without a motto, and taking into historical account the benevolent rule and modest spending habits of King Louis XIV, the village’s new motto is: ‘€œla ville, c’est moi’€ (‘€œI am the village’€). There’s more room in the basement for those who disagree. Just try storming this Bastille’€¦
King Cabbage
Julian Mostel says:
I propose the penalty for treason against the Republic be the reading of all previous master plans.
Pandemic Fears Close Nyack School
By Anita Life
Nyack, April 1 ‘€“ Health Department officials have closed Nyack’s Ben Knappin Middle School for the rest of this week following an outbreak of a highly contagious strain of onomatopoeia. Students suffering from loose vowels overwhelmed the nurse’s offices yesterday causing parents to demand action.
CDC officials urged parents to call a licensed dictionarian if their children sneeze ‘€œachoo,’€ yell ‘€œeek’€ when seeing a mouse or ‘€œwoof’€ to call the family dog.
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Rockland Farmers Say 2010 “Worst Tofu Harvest Ever”
by Bean Kerd
Nyack, April 1 — The severe winter weather has crippled tofu farmers hopes of a 2010 bumper crop in Rockland County to make up for last year’s losses. The colder than expected winter devastated tofu seedlings, crushing producers hopes that the seeds will sprout into the multicolored flowering plants school children know so well.
“I would say there was considerable tofustification,” said Mary Meadows, spokesman for the county’s main growers group. Economists predicted tofu hoarding in the fall and asked consumers to remain calm until the crises abates.
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Cruise Line To Drop Anchor at the Port of Upper Nyack
By Cathy LeGifford
Upper Nyack, April 1 — Petersen’s Boatyard will remain a shipyard after all. Carnival Cruises has signed a 200-year lease for the property where they plan to build a port for ocean going vessels. Carnival also plans to offer land excursions allowing passengers to fish off the beach at Hook Mountain, bike ride (single file) to The Runcible and take in Helen Hayes Youth Theater productions.
Residents, who had fought to retain a boatyard in the neighborhood instead of proposed residential housing, were excited about the prospect of thousands of tourists disembarking as it will preserve the nautical tradition of the neighborhood. Cruising from Upper Nyack is expected to begin as soon as the DEC environmental report is completed in the Fall of 2110.
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Faber College To Open Nyack Campus
by Kent Dorfman
Nyack, April 1 — Faber College President Robert Hoover has announced that the school will open a new satellite campus in Nyack. Hoover, the former president of the school’s famous Delta Tau Chi Fraternity, says Nyack is the perfect location for expansion given its lively after hours night life and abundance of mansions for housing fraternities.
Faber hopes to offer diverse courses in equestrian services, Roman fashion design, auto restoration, social networking, party planning and “road trip” geographic surveying. The college will host an open house for new students later this spring featuring the classic sounds of Otis Day and the Nights.
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US Recognizes New Republic of Nyack
by Howard Beale
WASHINGTON. D.C, April 1 — President Obama, in a hasty press conference today on the White House lawn as the Easter Egg Hunt was being prepared, said the U.S. will recognize the new Republic of Nyack and that immediate foreign aid would be available. An initial $27 million is set, to be personally delivered by the president in a state visit planned to coincide with the next Nyack Street Fair.
‘€œThis may not be as good a tale as ‘€œThe Mouse that Roared,’€ the president said, ‘€œbut it is in the same spirit of independence which brought us our own Revolution that these Nyackers are rebelling against taxation without representation. Besides, my campaign sold a record number of bumper stickers for the huge collection of Priuses in that Hudson River village. I owe them.’€
President Obama added, ‘€œOf course, I can’t condone secession. Yet it’s already happened or is threatened. D.C. seems its own nation, ruled by special interest. The neophyte Tea Party wants to brew a new government. And Dick Cheney ran his own secret country for eight years ‘€“ I’m not sure he has ever stopped ruling.’€
The president invited King Cabbage to a state dinner next April 1, assuming Sarah Palin hasn’t moved into the White House as Chief Moose of the Tea Party Lodge.
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